Couples who tune in to one another's bids for connections are intentional about understanding one another's emotional needs.
A bid for connection is a brief exchange or chitchat the couple engage in that helps them stay in tune with one another. Connecting with lots of brief exchanges does not seem like a big deal, but through the research of John Gottman, it was discovered that these seemingly small interactions help couples connect and stay happily married.
A bid for connection might be, "Did you see the game last night?" or "Would you like toast with your breakfast this morning?" or "Did you remember to take out the trash?" We have three ways to respond to a bid for connection: turning toward ("Yes, I saw the game, wasn't it exciting!?"), turning away (apathetic shrug, no response), or turning against ("You know I don't have time to take out the trash! You never think of me!") The key is to pick up on these moments and intentionally respond in little ways every day.
To get a good sense of how your relationship is faring (or is likely to fare in the future) in the romance department, answer the following questions. Read each statement and answer T for "true" and F for "false." (The principle of turning towards one another and the following quiz comes from The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman).
We enjoy doing small things together, like folding laundry or watching TV. T F
I look forward to spending my free time with my partner. T F
At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. T F
My partner is usually interested in hearing my views. T F
I really enjoy discussing things with my partner. T F
My partner is one of my best friends. T F
I think my partner would consider me a very close friend. T F
We just love talking to each other. T F
When we go out together, the time goes very quickly. T F
We always have a lot to say to each other. T F
We have a lot of fun together. T F
We are spiritually very compatible. T F
We tend to share the same basic values. T F
We like to spend time together in similar ways. T F
We really have a lot of common interests. T F
We have many of the same dreams and goals. T F
We like to do a lot of the same things. T F
Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner's interests. T F
Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time. T F
My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day. T F
Give yourself one point for each "true" answer. 10 or above: Turning toward one another is an area of strength in your relationship! Below 10: Your relationship could stand some improvement in the area of turning toward one another.
Finding you and your partner need help connecting with one another? LifeSong Counseling can offer expert support to help you, and your partner feel seen, heard and understood. Call 937-474-7580 to get started today!
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