Can you recall your initial date with your partner—those early moments in your relationship when you exchanged questions and eagerly anticipated each other's responses?
I recall the initial days of my relationship with Matt, who has been my husband for more than twenty-one years now. We would sit on the swing on his front porch, talking late into the night about our dreams, hopes, and aspirations. We asked about each other's past relationships and memories from childhood, shared our dreams about building a house, and talked about how many children we wanted. It was an exhilarating period, filled with the excitement of seeing each other and discovering more about one another. We couldn't get enough of one another!
Over time, our questions may transition from exploring personal connections to focusing on daily tasks. Instead of inquiring, "What is your favorite childhood memory?" we might ask, "Did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning?" or "Can you grab diapers on your way home from work today?" We discuss grocery lists, sports schedules, and perhaps finances. These topics are essential and practical.
It is important to update our knowledge about each other. Over time, we grow and change as individuals. I am not the same person I was when I married Matt (thankfully!). Since then, I have completed a master's degree, changed careers, become a mother, and grown emotionally and spiritually as a woman. Matt has changed as well. If we only focus on whether the oil has been changed in the car or who will schedule the next dentist appointment (I still have to do that!), we will overlook all these significant changes.
Couples should make a conscious effort to refresh their understanding of each other by posing open-ended questions, similar to when they first started dating. You might think your partner still loves Harry Potter books, only to find out that their favorite book is by Jane Austen. (How exciting would that be!?)
Open-ended questions elicit more information than yes/no answers. They foster dialogue and signal to your partner that you are still interested in getting to know them. This shows care and a willingness to understand and see each other. Additionally, open-ended questions enhance the friendship within your relationship, which in turn helps you to better manage conflicts. (You're not as likely to hold a grudge against someone you genuinely like!)
Challenge yourself to asking your partner open-ended questions regularly. Set aside time (and your phone!) to get to know each other....again! Here's a list from The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection and Joy by John and Julie Schwartz Gottman to get you started:
What are some unfulfilled things in your life?
What legacy do you want our kids to take from your family?
How have you changed in the past year?
What are some of your life dreams right now?
If you could change into any animal for twenty-four hours, which one would you choose and why?
If you could design the perfect house for us, what would it look like?
If you could wake up tomorrow with three new skills, what would you pick?
Icing on the Cake Phrases:
Tell me more about that....
Tell me the story of that....
How did you feel when that happened?
Go on....
Find more open-ended questions by doing a Google search on good questions to ask your spouse or partner or by downloading the free Gottman Card Deck in your app store.
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