Be Quick to Listen...

And slow to speak and slow to become angry.... This guidance is found in the Scriptures. It sounds pretty simple and is good advice. Many of us are aware that we should improve our listening skills and avoid becoming angry so quickly. But how can we actually achieve this? What do we need to do differently to be a better listener?

Frequently, during couples therapy, I observe a recurring pattern: one partner shares their viewpoint on a subject, and the other partner responds with a different perspective. The first partner then repeats their position because they feel their voice wasn't acknowledged. This cycle continues repeatedly, often becoming louder or more frustrated with each round.

I often use the analogy of a car crash at a four way stop. Imagine you are standing on one corner and your partner is standing on the corner diagonally from you when the crash happens. An officer comes to you and asks you what happened. You report that you saw a semi-truck hit a red car. Then the officer go to the other corner and asks your partner what happened. Your partner says that a blue car served to avoid hitting a pedestrian and hit a semi-truck.

Who was correct? Each had a distinct perspective on the situation. How often do we, as couples, argue about being right, when what we truly need is to step to the other side of the four-way stop and see things from a fresh angle.

There are several strategies to help couples be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

1. Understand First. Often, we feel compelled to suggest a solution or share something that worked for us, believing it will help our partner. However, many of us don't want to be treated as problems needing solutions. We desire to be heard, seen, understood, and comforted. Resist the temptation to immediately solve the issue and focus on truly understanding your partner's experience and perspective first. This requires you to...

   
   

2. Ask Questions. Okay. Raise your hands. How many of you are thinking of your response when your spouse is talking instead of really listening? (Me, too, sometimes!). To really understand and listen well, we have to ask open-ended questions, postponing our responses to be more fully engaged. Ask questions like:

   • What is the worst part of this for you?

   • What is your ideal in this situation?

   • How are you feeling?

   • What do you need from me?

     
     

3. Avoid the 4 Horsemen. John Gottman, in his book 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, identified four dangerous pitfalls we use in conversations that contribute to us feeling frustrated and not understood. The 4 Horsemen are:

   • Criticism: You never take out the trash. You never listen to me.

   • Defensiveness: Oh, I didn't do that, and you know it!

   • Contempt: You are an idiot for thinking that way!?

   • Stonewalling: Yeah, okay.... hoping the conversation will just die down now, so I can escape!

     
     

4. Calm Down. Are you aware of the indicators that you are emotionally overwhelmed? Difficulty thinking, feeling shaky, experiencing tension in your body, and a pulse rate exceeding 100 beats per minute are some signals of being overwhelmed. When we reach this state, our ability to listen diminishes, and we need a break. Communicate to your partner that you need a break, agree to step away for about thirty minutes, engage in a relaxation strategy, and then agree to come back to the conversation when you feel calmer.

   
   

5. Validate Your Partner's Perspective. It's not necessary to agree with someone to recognize their viewpoint. Demonstrating empathy and understanding that your partner may see the situation differently can be beneficial. Validating might start with the phrase, "It makes sense that you...."

For more information about couples counseling and an upcoming 7 Principles Couples Workshop, contact Rebecca at (937) 474-7580 or www.lifesongcounselingllc.com