"You're So Distant!"

Spending fifteen to thirty minutes day talking about each other's day helps couples feel more emotionally intimate and connected.

Do you ever feel like your spouse is distant and disengaged, leaving you to wonder why? It can be incredibly frustrating when you desire emotional closeness and intimacy but can't seem to achieve it. What happened to the joyful moments you shared at the start of your relationship? And, how come it is so difficult to talk about hard things?

For some individuals, discussing negative emotions such as sadness or anger can be quite intimidating. This might stem from experiences in childhood where attempts to express negative feelings were disregarded or downplayed. Others, me included, may find it uncomfortable to experience negative emotions like anger because it feels unsafe. Still others are experiencing things like depression or anxiety that can feel weighty and difficult to share with someone.

Couples can get into a cycle of not feeling heard or connected, withdrawing from sharing hard or intimate things with one another, and become lonely within the relationship. There are several things that couples can do to stop this cycle. This advice comes from Drs. John and Julie Gottman in 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.

1. Be a caring witness to each other's strong, negative feelings. It can be hard to listen and not feel like they are doing anything about their partner's frustration or sadness. But sometimes the best thing to do is to just listen and be empathetic.

   
   

2. Ask questions that lead to the heart instead of the head. Instead of asking "why" or "how come" questions, ask each other questions that require your partner to consider their feelings. For example, "How are you feeling about this right now?" or "What's the most difficult part of this for you?"

   
   

3. Don't lose track of each other's needs. If someone is going through depression or anxiety, it can be easy for the partner to take on a caretaker role and then never get to express his or her own needs. It is important to feel connected through emotional needs for both partners.

   
   

4. Get treatment for depression. It is important that if depressive or anxiety symptoms are getting in the way of enjoying and doing life to get professional support and help. This could mean talking to a counselor, medication, or both.

It is important for couples to establish a ritual of connection where they set aside 15 minutes a day for talking with one another about their stressors and negative emotions. John and Julie Gottman call this The Stress-Reducing Conversation.

Here's what to do....

• Designate fifteen to thirty minutes each day to talk about your day.

  Be intentional. You could have this conversation when you are already doing another activity, like eating breakfast or taking a walk. The important part is to make the conversation a significant part of the activity.

  
  

• Do it the same way every time.

  Light a candle, use special coffee mugs, sit in the same snuggly chair. This makes it feel like a ritual and gives it a special feeling of being connected to each other.

  
  

• Eliminate distractions.

  This means put away the phone, turn off the TV, get the small children involved in another activity.

  
  

• Take turns talking and listening.

  Share with one another your highs and lows, the important things that have happened. What happened at work? What did the lawyer say? How was your class? Did you talk to your sister?

  
  

• Show support for your partner as you listen.

  Ask follow-up questions like "How do you feel about that?" or "What did that mean to you?"

  Communicate understanding and connect with emotions, "I can understand how you would feel..."

  Celebrate successes, "That's great!"

  Show solidarity, "We are in this together..."

  Be affectionate, "Let me hold you...."

  Offer help with problem solving, "Let's figure this out." (Be careful not to offer problem solving too soon, though. You don't want your partner to feel like he/she has to be fixed.)

  
  

• Then, talk together about how it went. Did the time work? Were you able to avoid distractions? What made each feel connected/not connected? Did each feel heard and listened to?