How Can Turning Toward Each Other Strengthen Relationships?

A joyful moment of closeness and affection shared between a couple, as they turn toward one another with love and warmth.

Were you aware that in John Gottman's study of newlyweds, couples who stayed married at the six-year follow-up had turned toward each other 86% of the time during the study? In contrast, those who eventually separated had done so only 33% of the time.

What does it mean to turn toward each other? How can this enhance your relationship?

Turning toward each other means acknowledging and reacting to efforts for connection. It's the unspoken agreement to support and care for your partner, ensuring shared security. By turning toward one another, we enhance our relationship by fostering safety and providing a sense of being noticed and comforted by our partner.

Turning toward one another's bids for connection can be easy if you know what to look for. Here are some things to be aware of when looking for ways your partner may be turning toward you:

1. Pay attention to what I say. ("How do I look?" "Wow, did you see that boat?!")

2. Respond to my simple requests. ("While you're up, could you grab the salsa?")

3. Show interest or active excitement in my accomplishments ("Do you think I did well?")

4. Help me or work with me. ("Let's get Janey into bed now.")

5. Answer my questions or requests for information. ("Can you help me fill out this form?")

6. Chat with me. ("Let me tell you what happened when my mom called.")

7. Share the events of your day with me. ("What happened at work?")

8. Respond to my joke. ("Did I tell you the one about...?")

9. Help me destress. ("I think I blew my presentation today.")

10. Help me problem solve. ("What do you think I should do about my boss?")

11. Be affectionate. ("Come here and cuddle with me while I read.")

12. Play with me. ("Hey, let's get out the Monopoly board.")

13. Join me in an adventure or exploration. ("Do you want to hike up Turtleback tomorrow?")

14. Join me in learning something. ("Let's take French lessons!")

Once you've recognized when your partner is making a bid, the next step is to turn toward them. This doesn't mean you have to immediately agree to go hiking. Instead, it's an opportunity to show interest and respond in a way that shows you are present. Over time, your partner will feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure. Your relationship will be strengthened!

(Information comes from John Gottman and Nan Silver's book, What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal. Simon and Schuster Paperbacks, 2012.)