
Entropy is a scientific term to describe the tendency of a system to lose energy and cohesion over time. A couple who has an entropic relationship is one that is experiencing loss of a sense of connection over the years. It's not surprising many of us struggle with a sense of disconnection! Couples divide and conquer work, club sports schedule, and household chores. Excessive use of smart phones also has been found to decrease marital satisfaction and increase disconnection and quality time together (How Your Smartphone Might Sabotage Your Relationship (gottman.com)).
William Doherty stated in his book, The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals To Strengthen Family Ties, "Only an Intentional Family has a fighting chance to maintain and increase its sense of connection, meaning, and community over the years. An Intentional Family is one whose members create a working plan for maintaining and building family ties, and then implement the plan as best they can. An Intentional Family rows and steers its boat rather than being moved only by the winds and the current."
Couples who are intentional work to stay connected daily. They learn to ritualize connections and look for everyday opportunities for bonding. They seek ways to develop intimacy and make each other feel special.
Here are some strategies to be intentional and increase daily connections in your relationship:
Family Meals: Less than a third of American families eat dinner together most nights (The Intentional Family). Consider ways to increase connection through preparing and eating meals together. A key is to know in advance each day when you will be eating that evening and maintaining control over work schedules. Light a candle or put music on to make the time together feel special. Have a card deck of open-ended questions on the table to ask one another. Talk about each other's highs and lows of the day.
Departures and Reunions: Be intentional about saying good-bye and hello. Give a kiss that is worth coming home to. Make your partner feel special because you consistently take time out of the morning routine to say good-bye before hurrying out the door. Be predictable in giving your partner a hug and a kiss when you return home.
Stress-Reducing Conversation: Set aside 15-20 minutes daily to discuss the stressors of the day with one another. This could be a phone conversation on the way home or after the children go to bed. (Turn off the devices!) Ask how your partner's day has been and then listen and ask questions. Refrain from offering to fix something for your partner until you are sure you understand first. (No one likes being told they are wrong when they are feeling stressed and emotional!) Ask permission to offer suggestions only after you have listened to the emotions and struggle your partner is experiencing.
Other intentional things couples can do is to set aside weekly date nights, trips, special birthday and anniversary celebrations, and holiday get-togethers. Rituals become something you can count on. They become routines you can look forward to when thinking about your partner!
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