So often I meet with couples who are struggling to feel heard and understood by their partner. They often complain that as a couple they no longer talk with one another, or when they do talk, they end up in an argument or withdrawn.
Many couples experience the pattern of a criticism and defensiveness and countercriticism. It is painful response and counter-response that feels lonely and exhausting. The longing of being truly seen and understood is not met.
The pattern goes something like this....
You aren't listening to me....
Well, I can't help but tune you out because all you do is blab!
You are such a jerk! You don't care about me at all!
Oh, great! Here we go again....
This pattern makes the relationship feel unsafe for conversation. John and Julie Gottman, in their book 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage, offer the following advice to help couples break this pattern:
Tell each other what you want rather than what you don't want.
Think about what you need for your partner in the moment. This helps you to focus on what is happening in the present, rather than on what has occurred in the past. It is easier to meet someone's needs if we know what those needs are rather than being told all of the ways not to be helpful.
Respond to each other's statements of need with open-ended questions.
This means to really listen with a heart of understanding what your spouse is saying. Questions like, "What can I do to help you feel more loved?" or "This seems to be a big need for you, tell me more. Be careful not to react defensively ("Oh, now you think I'm lazy!") or with your own need ("Yeah, I need to feel respected, too!").
Express appreciation to the spouse who has been listening.
We need to be told when we are getting something right so that we can do it again! Appreciation is crucial so that we feel liked by one another.
Take this quiz from 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage to see if there is more room for fondness and admiration in your marriage...
True or False....
I can easily list three things I most admire about my partner.
When we are apart, I think fondly of my partner.
I often find some way to tell my partner "I love you."
I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately.
My partner really respects me.
I feel loved and cared for in this relationship.
I feel accepted and liked by my partner.
My partner finds me sexy and attractive.
My partner turns me on sexually.
There is fire and passion in this relationship.
I am really proud of my partner.
My partner really enjoys my achievements and accomplishments.
I can easily tell you why I married my partner.
If I had it all to do over again, I would marry the same person.
We rarely go to sleep without some show of love or affection.
When I come into a room, my partner is glad to see me.
My partner appreciates the things I do in this marriage.
My spouse generally likes my personality.
Our sex life is generally satisfying.
To score, give yourself one point for each true statement. If your score is 10 or above, this is an area of strength for you. Your feelings of fondness and admiration will protect your marriage from the bad feelings that may come up between you. If your score is below 10, your marriage needs improvement in this area. You may need to take steps to revive positive feelings that were more obvious to you when your relationshisp began, or to build new feelings of fondness and admiration.
Need help in building fondness and admiration in your relationship? Call LifeSong Counseling at (937) 474-7580 to get started today!
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