What do I do if I just found out my partner had an affair?

The discovery has left you reeling and you feel as if your whole world is shattered. There are so many questions. Did I really know

him? Was our relationship all for nothing? Has she always lied to me? It is hard to think clearly. Your emotions are tumultuous--fear, sadness, embarrassment, shame, anger. You wonder if life will ever be the same again.

These questions and reaction to finding out your partner cheated on you are normal and you are not alone.  Dr. William Bumberry indicated in his book on the trauma of infidelity that 20-40% of couples experience the crisis of infidelity in their relationships. He shares insight from his extensive work with couples as a Certified Gottman Therapist in his book, Healing the Trauma of Infidelity: Powerful Skills for Rebuilding Trust and Attachment to Find Love, Commitment, and Intimacy Again.

You may be experiencing symptoms of PTSD, including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, hypervigilance, or sleep disturbance. The survival part of your brain has been set into panic mode. Our primal fear is to be abandoned or left behind and when we discover the betrayal, we experience trauma.

It is important to take a deep breath, slow down, and to regain balance. This means prioritizing self-care strategies and reestablishing a sense of safety. This may be a time for self-reflection, identifying needs and wants. It could mean taking time out of your day to settle yourself, finding support through safe and secure friendships and connections.

Do I even want to save my relationship? Evaluating the Desire to Save Your Marriage

It is okay to ask yourself if repair is the right path for you. If your relationship could be restored and feel good again, is this something you would choose? List what reasons you might have for staying. What doubts or fears do you have? What do you need to begin to feel safe enough to begin to trust again?

Next, remember that trust is earned not freely given. Has your partner accepted full responsibility for what happened? Has there been expressions of genuine remorse for their actions? If this is so, then you can begin your journey toward restoration and healing.

How do we rebuild our relationship after an affair? There is hope in the aftermath.

If you decide to pursue restoration, it's crucial to start working with an experienced couple's therapist who can provide the necessary support for healing deep wounds. The Gottman Method involves guiding couples through exercises of atonement, attunement, and attachment. A Certified Gottman Therapist will assist you in discussing the events in a safe way that avoids causing harm or triggering further emotional flooding. Couples who can openly discuss the affair and make repairs (again, in emotionally safe ways!) will build a much stronger relationship in the long run.

Couples counseling can lead to lasting relationship improvement when both partners commit to the process and work with a skilled therapist. It offers tools to communicate better, resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust. While it does not guarantee a perfect relationship, counseling provides a structured way to address problems and grow together. If you and your partner are struggling, seeking counseling could be a valuable step toward a stronger, healthier relationship.

As a Certified Gottman Therapist at LifeSong Counseling, I help couples improve their communication and strengthen their emotional connections using the Gottman Method in the Spring Valley, Waynesville, Jamestown, Wilmington, Mason, Lebanon, Middletown, Franklin, Huber Heights, Brookville, Fairborn, Bellbrook, Xenia, Centerville, Beavercreek, Miamisburg and Greater Dayton Area. Find out if I am the right fit for you. Call (937) 474-7580 or email: referrals@lifesongcounselingllc.com