What can I do to strengthen my relationship with my spouse? Strengthen Your Relationship by Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Many couples can focus on big efforts, such as anniversaries and vacations. However, a strong relationship is building small things often. It grows when one partner says, “Look at this,” and the other looks. It grows when someone sighs, reaches for a hand, shares a random thought, or asks for help with the groceries, and the other person responds with warmth.
John Gottman, in his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, calls these small moments bids for connection. A bid is any action, comment, question, gesture, or expression that says, “Please turn toward me.” Some bids are obvious. Others are easy to miss, especially when life is busy, the phone is out, the kids need something, or stress is high.
Learning to notice bids, respond well, and make room for play can change the emotional tone of a relationship. It helps partners feel seen, wanted, and safe with each other.
What does a bid of connection look like in real life?
A bid for connection does not always sound like “I need attention”, although wouldn't that make it easy! Most of the time, it comes wrapped in everyday life. It can be a sigh or a reach for the hand.
A partner might say:
“Come see this funny video.”
“Did you notice the sky tonight?”
“I had such a strange day.”
“Can you help me with this?”
“I’m tired.”
“Do you want to sit with me for a minute?”
“Remember that trip we took?”
“Listen to what happened at work.”
A bid can also be nonverbal. A partner may touch your shoulder, move closer on the couch, smile across the room, send a meme, linger in the kitchen, or look disappointed when you walk away.
The surface message may be about the weather, a song, the dog, a child, a chore, or something on TV. The deeper message is often:
“Are you there for me?”
That does not mean every bid requires a long conversation. Turning toward your partner can be quick. A smile, a laugh, eye contact, a hand squeeze, or “Tell me more” can be enough. The key is not perfection. The key is building a pattern where both people feel that their attempts to connect usually land.
The three ways partners respond to bids
Relationship researcher John Gottman helped popularize the idea that small bids and responses shape long-term connection. When one partner makes a bid, the other person usually responds in one of three ways.
Response | What it looks like | How it usually feels |
Turning toward | You notice the bid and respond with interest, warmth, or care. | “I matter to you.” |
Turning away | You ignore, miss, or brush past the bid. | “You’re not available.” |
Turning against | You respond with irritation, criticism, sarcasm, or rejection. | “It is not safe to reach for you.” |
Here is the same bid in three different forms.
Your partner says, “Look at this picture from today.”
Turning toward sounds like:
“That’s great. Where was that?”
“Oh wow, show me.”
“I love that. What happened?”
Turning away sounds like:
Silence while scrolling.
“Mm-hmm,” without looking.
“Later,” then forgetting.
Turning against sounds like:
“Why are you always interrupting me?”
“I don’t care about that.”
“Can’t you see I’m busy?”
Turning away is often not meant to hurt. People get distracted. They are tired. They are trying to finish something. Still, repeated missed bids can create distance over time.
Turning against does more damage. It teaches a partner to stop reaching. They may share less, ask for less, touch less, or retreat into their own world.
Turning toward builds trust through repetition. It says, again and again, “You can reach for me, and I will respond.”
What are barriers to picking up on bids for connection?
Most people do not miss bids because they do not care. They miss bids because modern life pulls attention in too many directions. This can lead to loneliness and emotional disengagement.
Phones and laptops steal the small moments
Technology is one of the biggest obstacles to connection. A phone can make someone physically present but emotionally unavailable. The partner sitting next to you may feel alone if your eyes keep dropping to a screen.
This is especially true during transition moments:
When one person gets home.
During meals.
In bed.
While watching a show together.
In the car.
During a child’s nap or bedtime routine.
First thing in the morning.
These moments often seem minor, but they are prime time for bids. A simple “How was your day?” can become a real connection point, unless one person is half-listening while checking messages.
Gaming, streaming, and scrolling can create the same pattern. The issue is not the activity itself. The problem starts when screens regularly outrank the person beside you.
Stress narrows attention
Stress makes people less responsive. When your mind is full of work, bills, health concerns, family tension, or unfinished tasks, a bid can feel like one more demand.
Your partner says, “Can I tell you something?” and your stressed brain hears, “Here comes another problem.”
That is when couples can slip into short answers, impatience, or emotional shutdown. The bid may be innocent, but the response comes out sharp.
A helpful pause can change the moment. Try saying:
“I want to hear you. Give me five minutes to finish this thought.”
“I’m overwhelmed, but I don’t want to shut you out.”
“Can we sit down after dinner? I want to be able to listen.”
That is still turning toward. You are not available that exact second, but you are making room.
Children can crowd out partnership
Children create many joyful moments, but parenting can also bury a relationship under logistics. Meals, homework, rides, bedtime, laundry, appointments, and noise can leave partners with little energy for each other.
In that season, bids may become more practical:
“Can you take over bedtime?”
“I need a break.”
“Do you want to watch something after they’re asleep?”
“I miss us.”
The last one matters. If a partner says, “I miss us,” treat it as a meaningful bid. Do not dismiss it with “We’re just busy.” Busyness may be true, but the need is still real.
Couples do not need endless free time to stay close. They need small rituals that protect connection inside real life.
How can I get better at noticing bids?
You can improve at bids the same way you improve at any relationship skill. Slow down, pay attention, and practice.
Be more mindful in ordinary moments
Mindfulness in a relationship means being present enough to notice your partner’s tone, face, body language, and attempts to reach you.
That might look like:
Looking up when your partner enters the room.
Noticing when their mood shifts.
Hearing the feeling under the words.
Asking one more question before changing the subject.
Pausing before reacting defensively.
A bid may sound casual, but the emotional need may be tender. “Do you like this outfit?” may mean “Do you still find me attractive?” “Are you coming to bed?” may mean “I want closeness.” “You’ve been quiet tonight” may mean “I’m trying to check on you.”
You do not need to analyze every sentence. Just get curious. When in doubt, respond with warmth.
Put down the phone and laptop
One of the simplest ways to strengthen a relationship is also one of the hardest: put the device down. Not forever. Not as a moral statement. Just long enough to show your partner they have your attention.
Try creating a few screen-free connection points:
The first 10 minutes after getting home.
The last 15 minutes before sleep.
Meals at home.
A weekly walk.
Morning coffee.
A short check-in after the kids are in bed.
During those moments, place phones across the room or face down. Close the laptop. Pause the game. Let your body language say, “I’m here. You have my full attention.”
If work or family responsibilities require checking your phone, name it clearly. “I need to answer this message, then I’m putting it away.” That helps your partner know the screen has a limit.
Listen for the longing behind the comment or criticism
Not every bid is direct. Some people ask for connection sideways because they fear rejection.
They may say, “You’re always busy,” when they mean, “I miss you.”
They may say, “Never mind,” when they mean, “I wanted you to ask.”
They may complain about a chore when they mean, “I feel alone carrying this.”
This does not mean every complaint should be rewarded or that harsh communication is okay. It means you can often soften the moment by listening for the need underneath.
A useful response is:
“I hear that this matters to you. Can you tell me what you need from me right now?”
That question turns a possible argument into a chance for connection.
How can we turn toward one another more often?
Turning toward is less about grand gestures and more about steady responsiveness. It says, “I see you,” in ways your partner can feel.
Use short responses that invite more
You do not always need a perfect answer. Simple phrases work well:
“Tell me more.”
“I’m listening.”
“That sounds hard.”
“That’s funny.”
“Come sit with me.”
“I get why that bothered you.”
“I’m glad you told me.”
“Let me pause this.”
These responses keep the door open. They tell your partner their bid is welcome.
Repair quickly when you miss a bid
You will miss bids. Everyone does. The repair matters. If you realize you ignored your partner, come back to it.
Try:
“I’m sorry, I was distracted. What were you showing me?”
“I answered too sharply. Can we try that again?”
“I missed what you said because I was on my phone. I’m here now.”
“You were trying to connect, and I brushed you off. I’m sorry.”
A repair does not need to be dramatic. Quick, sincere ownership can rebuild safety.
Make your own bids clearer
If you often feel rejected, ask yourself whether your bids are easy to understand. Sometimes partners miss bids because they are hidden inside hints, sarcasm, or complaints.
Instead of saying, “Must be nice to relax,” try, “I’m overwhelmed. Can you help me for twenty minutes?”
Instead of saying, “You never want to spend time with me,” try, “I miss you. Can we have a phone-free hour tonight?”
Instead of saying, “Forget it,” try, “I’m feeling hurt and I still want to talk.”
Clear bids give your partner a better chance to turn toward you.
The takeaway
Improving your relationship does not always start with a major conversation. Often, it starts with noticing the small reaches for connection that are already happening.
Turn toward the comment. Look at the picture. Laugh at the joke. Answer the text with care. Put down the phone. Close the laptop. Pause the game. Make eye contact. Ask one more question. Play together, even for 10 minutes.
A relationship grows stronger when both partners can trust this simple message: when you reach for me, I will do my best to reach back.
Couples counseling can lead to lasting relationship improvement when both partners commit to the process and work with a skilled therapist. It offers tools to communicate better, resolve conflicts, and rebuild trust. While it does not guarantee a perfect relationship, counseling provides a structured way to address problems and grow together. If you and your partner are struggling, seeking counseling could be a valuable step toward a stronger, healthier relationship.
As a Certified Gottman Therapist at LifeSong Counseling, I help couples improve their communication and strengthen their emotional connections using the Gottman Method in the Spring Valley, Waynesville, Jamestown, Wilmington, Mason, Lebanon, Middletown, Franklin, Huber Heights, Brookville, Fairborn, Bellbrook, Xenia, Centerville, Beavercreek, Miamisburg, Dayton and Ohio. Find out if I am the right fit for you. Call (937) 474-7580 or email: referrals@lifesongcounselingllc.com
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